Answers to Questions You Never Knew You Wanted to Ask

A. Your muscles go stiff and there’s a peculiar vibration you feel and hear as the alternating current (AC, as opposed to DC in batteries) flows through you. Not recommended.
Q. What does it feel like to stick your thumb in a live light socket?

A. Hypnic jerks. I have pretty good ones--unrelated to the previous question, as far as I know. How about you?
Q. You know how sometimes, when you’re right on the edge between wakefulness and sleep, you’ll have the sensation that you’re falling and your whole body will twitch? What is that?

A. Yes, they’re surprisingly delicious. And very manly.
Q. Chocolate-covered gummy bears seem like an odd combination. Are they any good? If so, is it the sort of thing that, you know, a guy should be caught eating?

A. It’s tough to say. The intense burning sensation and hour’s worth of sneezing that follows make it difficult to ascertain the benefits.
Q. Many illicit drug users snort a powdered form of their preferred drug, getting it quickly and easily into the bloodstream as it’s absorbed through the mucous membranes. If I had a really bad headache, could I crush up a couple Advil and snort them to get rid of it quickly?

A. Both ears pierced. Zero tattoos. I’ll rent space, though, for the right price and a really great design. (Just not on my forehead, please.)
Q. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

A. There are too many to count, and it’d be hard to rank them. One classic, though, was when I got my practice word wrong in an all-school spelling bee in fifth or sixth grade. I spelled cake “cake-a-k-e.” The proctor looked like she could’ve died; I’m sure I was glowing like Rudolph’s nose. There was also the time my French teacher stage whispered to me, in front of the whole class, "Do you have a drug problem?" What are some of yours?
Q. What is your most embarrassing memory?